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I will walk 10000 steps

My day started at 6am this morning, don't no why but I was wide awake and puppydog was more than happy to venture out at that time and the park is lovely and quiet at that time in the morning, this was the first of our 4 walks of the day.

I spent some of the morning working on my workout area which is basically where the new treadmill lives. You can't really see it that well but the white strip is every single pound from what I started as at the beginning of the year at 340lbs - that is 24stone 4lb! and it counts all the way down to 140lbs which is my in my dreams weight. I put a little gold star for every pound I lose, 15 in totals so far. Above the numbers I have big and little silver stars marking every stone and half stone. I did one for hubby too but seeing as he only has a few stone to lose his is tiny and you can't really make it out.

 

Today has been a good movement day but a bad food day and I am once again struggling with slimming world, with the limited variety of food I eat I'm finding myself eating the same things - basically potato and baked beans in some form or another, the few superfree foods are being consumed in such quantities that they're starting to make me feel a bit sick so really not sure what I will be doing be the end of tomorrow. My 4 walks today have taken me almost 3 and a half miles and todays step count stands at 9479 which is pretty amazing seeing as only 2 weeks ago I struggled with 2000 steps a day and that was just walking around work, I am proud that all of the walks were initiated by me and hubby came on 3 of them but the early morning one I did while he was in bed.

I am now shattered as is the doggy who is asleep next to me waiting for me to close my laptop so he can for-fill his duty as lapdog :D

A few days to think

So since my rather depressing but very truthful last post I've had 4 days off work, a weigh in, a birthday and quite a bit of non slimming world approved food.

Saturday was spent delivering a table I sold online for £70 thank you very much, we delivered it to about 25miles away and on the way home we stopped at a farm shop and I got a mahossive sack of spuds for a fiver, as well as eggs and some salad bits. With my days off so lovely I have been walking puppydog 2/3 times a day and the route we go is 0.73miles and my daily steps were always over 5000, usually they are at 2000, 2500 on a good day.

Weigh in was monday and I lost 2lbs which isn't great for a first week but on Friday I consolled myself with a pizza hut and the rest of the weekend was full of snacky crap so it was a good result this week. I have decided to go back to red/green days mainly because I just don't eat enough superfree for extra easy to work,

Tuesday was my birthday and I did try and stay on track but then a cream cake appeared and some pringles sooooo not so good but we didn't go out for dinner I cooked steak which was devine.

I also treated myself to a new set of tefal pans, a pretty note book which i'm turning into a organiser/life bible thing and today I picked up my ultimate present ---- a treadmill. I am over the weight limit at the moment but I figure some gentle walking won't do too much harm and hopefully when I'm fit enough to learn to run i will be under the weight limit.

What I am & What I'm Not

In general I am depressed, sad, moody, unorganized,  messy, fat, difficult, paranoid, moany, lonely, unfit, often unkempt, lazy, indecisive, forgetful, untrusting, shy, unhappy, I worry constantly, I have no confidence in anything I do. 

how do I change everything about myself? where do I even begin? 

as you can probably tell I have an overwhelming feeling of disgust at myself right now because I really don't no how to change, a lot of the list is down to my weight issues, I can't physically do a lot of things I want to do.

I just want to be normal.

Satisfaction

It is oddly satisfying to have all your shopping delivered, have no substitutions and it all be healthy (well apart from hubbs cherry coke) and it should be enough to last almost 2 weeks which is a bonus as money is a tad tight this month, which unhappily coincides with my birthday :( oh well can't be helped.

Tonight I did something shocking, I made something from scratch - Chicken nuggets using smash as breadcrumbs and you no what they were delish and best of all I have spares for lunch tomorrow. Tomorrows tea will be a slow cooked whole chicken, mash and gravy, even the thought makes me drool.

I've decided on a strategy for the superfree because I don't eat a lot of veg (actually I don't eat any that count as superfree) I have been having superfree all day and then dinner without so it all balances out. So far today I've had a whole cucumber because I love the stuff, 2 apples, 2 bananas, loads of grapes and coleslaw -which is superfree. But I have bought myself much smaller plates than the others we usually have so I have portion control too.

I haven't done any body magic today and I've only done 2500 steps but my joints and hips are still so sore from walking the puppy dog on sunday, really need to try and do some tomorrow.

I'm still feeling really positive about things at the moment which is weird for me but I like it, maybe this time it is the last time.

Change of heart (diet)

It's only been 2 days following Rosemary Conley and I have cancelled my membership and got a refund. I just no its not for me - being the weight I am I realise I need something long term and I really can't be faffed with weighing and measuring every tiny little thing, I mean who counts the calories in cucumber? I had a chat with a friend at work who said that I didn't need Hubbs to diet with me, I had to do it on my own, on a diet I could manage for a good few years if not forever and only when I'm ready. Well I don't no if I feel ready but I need to do it before my ovaries dry up and my heart gives out.

So I plucked up all my courage, hoped on Dink (my bicycle) and pedalled down to my slimming world group to grovel to my consultant for giving up. She was lovely and of course welcomed me back with open arms and  I didn't have to go through another new member talk she just gave me a new book and card, which I am eternally thankful for as i hate those things.

So anyway according to my new weigh in I am 23 stone 6lbs so significantly less than my scales say. I need to get some menus planned and most importantly some food shopping

THANK GOD IT'S PAYDAY TOMORROW

Tomorrow is a brand new start

I did something I don't do very often, at 6.30am I took puppy-dog for a walk (just to clarify hubbs usually takes him because I can't walk very far) went just over 0.7miles and it was lovely, very quiet and sunny only downside is I've been in pain for the rest of the day but I guess it will only get better.

My plan was to start the diet today but there was some stuff in the fridge that wasn't very diet friendly and I didn't want to waste it, but I haven't really picked today, just had my meals and didn't eat a lot of them anyway so that's a good thing.

Back to work tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks, I was really nervous about going back as one of the ladies there can be well odd, nice but not, hard to explain really, but I got an email from my boss to say she'd taken the week off so my stress levels have mellowed out a tad, not completely because I'm a bit worried she's stitched me up while i've been away, we shall see tomorrow.

I need to sort out a way to organise myself, I am the first to admit I don't do a lot around the house - mainly because I just can't do much for long periods of time (I can't stand to do the washing up) and a little bit because I'm lazy so I thought If I wrote everything down It would motivate me a bit more and my pretty filofax has been collecting dust since I got my early birthday present - an Ipad mini, I love having everything synced on my calender but hate carrying it around incase it gets stolen.

Something New

Had another early morning was up at 4am and I didn't get any sleep on the sofa so i'm feeling a little groggy at the moment but on the bright side at least I got some lovely puppy-dog cuddles, he is super cute when he's tired - (that purple mass is me laying on the sofa)

So I was laying in bed last night thinking about diets and came to the conclusion that maybe I need something completely new, something I've not done before. This is slightly tricky as I have started most diets but in all honesty in the last few years I've really not tried to do any of them, I've started them and then given up within a few days. I also realised i'm being selfish about hubbs and slimming world, he needs to lose weight too and he needs my support as much as I need his. He wants to do calorie counting using myfitnesspal but I need a plan of some sort to follow so I've signed up with Rosemary Conley doing the Fat Busting Attack Diet (F.A.B) Its a low fat, low G.I plan but its essentially calorie counting, for the first 2 weeks I have 1200cals, the next 2 I have 1400 cals and then after that they'll work out my calorie allowance. I've signed up online because there isn't a class nearby but I think I prefer that, Hubbs will be my official weigher and I just have to hope I can stick to it.
I'm going to use myfitnesspal to track my calories all I need to do is get the dreaded before photos and measurements done. I weighed this morning and I weigh 24 stone 3.5lbs, I've but a target as 10st 7lbs but as I've never been that weight, well not in my adult life) I don't no what I'll look like or how I'll feel so I will probably just go my dress size, I'd be happy at a 14/16.

no closer to a plan

I really haven't felt myself since coming back from holiday, I feel numb but overwhelmed, I have no appetite (my pills do reduce it but not to this extreme) I don't want to do anything nothing much holds my interest, I just feel wrong.
So in between wondering aimlessly around the house, killing the battery on my tablet by turning it on and then off again when I realise I don't actually want to use it oh and trying to stay awake, I've been searching the blogosphere for more blogs to read, searching for more inspiration and maybe a plan. Found some inspiration but still lacking a plan, decided not to join group today - mainly because it meant i'd have to get dressed. Oddly my very local consultant sent me an email about rejoining but I feel awkward going back there because I join and quit so often before.
Hubbs is positively refusing to go with me despite promising although he admit he was embarrassed , i'm dissapointed but i'm not going to force him.
 

To slim or not to slim....

Being awake at 2am isn't a rare thing for me, I do tend to suffer from bouts of insomnia but this is a side effect from the pills I take (which I forgot to take on holiday so had to start again) and that to the jet lag and travelling over night - I feel a little like I've gone a few rounds with a boxer. On the plus side the other side effect is lose of appetite which is one I don't mind so much.

I'm thinking about joining slimming tomorrow but I don't like the leader much, don't get me wrong she is lovely she's just a bit in your face. I also wouldn't be able to go to that one again but I don't want to leave it until next week, its only a few days but I just want to get on with it, take advantage of not being hungry. Hubbs has said he doesn't want to join which has upset me a little because I need him to and he said he would, I've tried it on my own while he sits and eats his usual crap and it makes it so much harder, I basically need him to force me to stick to it and go to group which he can only really do if he is doing it himself.

I have found a lot of recipes I will eat (not sure about cooking them) the only thing I always struggle with is breakfast, scrambled eggs is probably a good way to go but on days i'm short of time I'll need a plan B. Organisation is the key I think, I need to menu plan and avoid buying things that I can binge on. I have a plan for work, give some money to a few people I can trust for emergencies, other than that I'll have no money so I can't go into the canteen and buy the crap in there.

Need to get some more contingency plans in place but right now I'm going to snuggle on the sofa with puppy-dog and see If I can get a few more Zzzzz's before the sun comes up.

Distraction Technique

This blog is rather good at distracting me, I've spent all morning making it........ well........ me! Rather impressed with myself.

So we're home, reacquainted with the furbabies, washing all but done, not going back to work until Monday. Probably a good job as I've noticed that my breathing is so much worse after living with smokers for just a week and it was exactly great anyway being a chronic Asthmatic .

I haven't really mentioned the D word to the husband although he's said he'll do whatever I want and actually do it properly, he's tried slimming world and weight watchers before but I think because he only went because I wanted him to he didn't want really care, this time he seems genuinely happy to do something, the holiday was a wakeup call for him too.

I think that slimming world is the way to go, although we don't eat a lot of superfree and our meals aren't that varied its the kind of lifestyle change we need, rather than a diet, that probably makes more sense in my head then written down. I've been reading a couple of blogs and found some people who had a lot to lose and are nearly there, they're good to read, makes me feel slightly less isolated.

In the right direction

At this moment in time I am 38,000 feet above Europe somewhere on my way to England after the most uncomfortable week I've had for a while with the heat, parents that mean well but well it doesn't feel like it most of the time and have never really understood me, heat (occasionally) and general lack of mobility which is slight issue when your staying on a mountain. Anyway I'm glad I saw my parents I'm very glad to be heading home to my puppy-dog and kitten, who I have missed beyond belief.

Not being able to do a lot and having a heart to heart with my mum has given me a lot of time to consider options and I no pretty much every diet will work if you stick to it but for one excuse more then reason I don't.

I need to lose between 10 and 14 stone - that's a person (maybe I can lose my miserable, sad side of me) I don't know if this is any different from the hundreds of other times i've started a diet but It needs to be.

A long way down

This first post comes from 30,000 feet in the air written by a 24stone women with an armrest that wont go down because I'm in the way but doesn't go all the way up so I can't sit back. It's my first time on a plane in 20 years and so far it is a horrible experience, I wasn't nervous and the reason has just hit me like a brick wall, if the plane crashed it would put me out of the misery that is my life. I'm feelin slightly bitter that this trip is more forced then it should be, I'm visiting my parents who emigrated 6 months ago, if they hadn't have left I wouldn't be sat here in the tin can unable to see the ground!

A big change is required but is this time any different to any other?